by Kathy Brasby | Aug 26, 2022 | Family, Humor, Stories
I didn’t notice the rug burn on my knee until I was ready for bed. Hmmm.
Couch potatoes don’t have these issues.
Couch Potatoes Don’t Have Those
I have old scars on my knees from that cruel and ancient practice of requiring girls to wear dresses to school. I may still be bitter about that rule.
This elementary girl couldn’t stop running and somehow my feet didn’t cooperate all the time. Crash. Another scraped knee. Another scar.
Couch potatoes don’t have those.
My high school hosted a girls’ football game to raise funds for something that I’ve forgotten. We played flag football. No tackling. Just powder puff style.
I remember running with the football tucked under my arm and getting hit so hard that my breath flew away as I hit the ground. I fumbled the ball too. So much for the flag.
I could barely walk at school the next day, what with the sore muscles and bruises.
Speaking of barely walking, I was tossed over the head of my horse one weekend when I was home from college. Gypsy was galloping, and I asked her to slow down. She stopped. Dime kind of stop.
And I went over her head. I was nineteen, but I walked around like a ninety-year-old for a few days.
As an adult, I mellowed into more gentle sports. Like softball. Cycling. Skiing.
Speaking of Softball
Speaking of softball, I once found my left foot trapped under the fence behind home plate. As the catcher, I had to retrieve any balls that got past me and went to the fence. I knew the opponent was steaming home from third base, so I hustled to the fence, planted my foot, and went under.
It took both coaches and an umpire to lift the stiff fence off my ankle. My team didn’t have another catcher, so I limped back to my position.
Couch potatoes don’t have to put up with that.
Memories of softball games came up recently over lunch with a friend. She perked up. She’d played softball, too.
“Do you still have your softball glove?”
“Of course. You?”
We planned to play catch just because we miss throwing a ball around. Feeling a little nostalgic and unfulfilled, maybe.
Couch potatoes don’t get those urges.
I was five months pregnant, downhill skis strapped to my feet and our four-year-old sitting on the chairlift seat beside me, when the lift died.
We had hoped for one more run down the slope. Instead, we hung for an hour before the crew started lowering people to the ground on ropes. I never told them I was pregnant. I didn’t have time for the panic.
Couch potatoes don’t have to swing on a chairlift with a little boy for an hour, keeping him calm and warm.
Why do I complicate my life so?
The Watch Panic
Recently I crawled inside an enclosed cage retrieving young roosters. I had to roll onto my side to turn around so I could crawl out. No problem. I dropped onto an elbow, scotched around, and headed for the cage door.
And I heard a wild beeping. Was someone calling me?
I glanced at my watch, affectionately called “Dick Tracy” by my sister. Well, maybe not affectionately, now that I think about it. My watch sometimes poaches calls from my phone, which she thinks is goofy.
This watch plays music, tracks my steps, and alerts me to texts and calls. It ought to cook meals too.
Back to my story. My watch was shrieking, gaining volume with the second. Almost the shaking in terror. I looked closer. It hovered over the 9-1-1 call, assuming I had fallen. I punched a button. No, I didn’t need 9-1-1.
My watch was stubborn. Was I sure I hadn’t fallen? Yeah, pretty sure.
Can you imagine explaining that to the deputies who would have had to respond? No, officer, really, I’m fine. I just planted my elbow in the rooster pen.
Yeah, rooster pen.
My watch panicked last winter when I had to knock the ice out of a rubber pan so I could put out more water for my ducks. I slammed the pan on the frozen ground and my watch immediately leaped to alert mode, ready to call the deputies again.
“I didn’t fall,” I told the Dick Tracy. “I didn’t even leave my feet.” So why I was talking to my watch? My sister hadn’t even called.
Couch potatoes don’t have these problems.
New Plan
I have a new plan for this year. I’m slowing down. It’s time.
But I have to run a 5K with my grandson. It’s his first and he’s only nine. How could I refuse?
I’m riding my bike five or six—OK, sometimes ten miles a day—because it’s a new bike and I have a new helmet. Can’t let those go to waste.
I’ve started lifting weights, too, to keep the kids happy. And those extra muscles handle the feed bags a lot better.
So you can see that I’ve slowed down. No more skinned knees or planted elbows.
My watch doesn’t hover in ready mode anymore. It probably thinks I’ve retired into couch potato mode.
Well, yeah, I did shut off its fall alarm.
Out of concern for the deputies.
by Kathy Brasby | Jul 8, 2022 | Humor, Stories
A while back, I decided that a daily can of Mountain Dew consumed along with Mounds candy bars was not good for my health.
I go deep, don’t I?
So I’ve been exploring healthy eating. Everything from grass-fed beef to eggs from pasture-raised chickens. I planted a small vegetable garden and may even try composting.
So all these healthy choices could only lead to one thing, right?
Yep.
Pigs.
I never know how I stumble onto these articles, but this one introduced me to pasture-fed pigs.
American Guinea Hogs.
I guess they were the rage in the 1800s and then nearly went extinct before homesteaders revived the breed. But they had three things I wanted: they eat grass (because I have a nice pasture and it’s healthier meat), they stay smaller (commercial pigs can grow to become hippopotamus), and they are friendly.
I like friendly animals on my hobby farm.
So I found some baby Guinea Hogs.
I brought them home, and they settled in. We named them Bacon One, Two, and Three because I had plans for their futures.
I knew nothing about raising pigs when the Bacons arrived, but I quickly learned that they take mealtime seriously. And when is mealtime? Whenever I feed them. They’d have gone for the Mountain Dew and Mounds bars if I offered those.
The Bacons plowed over each other to get to the closest corner of their pen when I walked to the barn. Claiming to be delirious with hunger. The literature I read advised not to believe them.
When they’re not hurdling one another in their race to the feed trough, they scream. Friendly screaming, of course.
They are happy to let me pet them and offer them animal crackers. In fact, to feed them everything except chili peppers. They declined a second bite of those.
Yeah, we tried peppers just to see if there are limits to pig chowing.
Truly, all I wanted was for the Bacons to eat grass. All they wanted was to eat what I eat. Maybe eating my food for me.
One day, my sister called. “I have some food for your piggies.” She had cooked five pounds of potatoes, stirred in all the salad parts, and then added some mayonnaise, which had a sour flavor. Nobody in her family would eat the potato salad. Would my pigs?
Well, let’s find out.
I dumped the entire load of salad into a rubber pan in their pen. That was the happiest minute of their day. They turned a blind eye to the grass for twenty-four hours after that, waiting for more of my sister’s potato salad.
I asked, but she said it was a onetime deal. I hope her family appreciated her next potato salad as much as the Bacons would have.
As soon as my pastures greened up, I opened the gate to let the Bacons out. They found the grass quickly, and I figured my summer was set. Let them graze all they wanted.
But the next day, they were running around the barnyard. Outside the fence.
As soon as they spotted a human, they raced to us. Probably looking for potato salad.
We got them back in their pen.
“Pigs like to root,” my sister said. So we speculated the Bacons had lifted a gate off its hinges. We didn’t see a gate off its hinges, but this was our best guess. We strapped down the hinges so a rhinoceros couldn’t lift that gate.
The pigs were out the next day.
In their latest prison escape, they found the stored alfalfa in the lean-to. They explored the orchard. They grazed their way to the middle of the neighbor’s alfalfa field.
We lured them back to their pen with a big jar of animal crackers. Food is food, after all.
But the mystery continued. How were they getting out?
Aha. We finally spotted a broken crosspiece in the woven wire fence.
“Let’s laminate a panel over that hole in the fence,” I said. So we grabbed a wire panel and began lashing it to the woven wire.
“There are only two pigs in there,” my sister said as we worked.
“Yeah, the other one’s behind us.”
And so he was, watching us fix the fence. As soon as I spotted Bacon 3, the other two rammed their shoulders against the fence and pushed through the wire links. Easy peasy.
So that’s how they were getting out.
I locked them in a stout pen that closely resembled solitary confinement cells in the penitentiary. They didn’t escape.
Now what to feed? The Bacons got alfalfa until I realized I didn’t want to pay for expensive alfalfa all summer. The whole idea was healthy – and cheap – pasture-fed pork.
One of the side effects of carving your farmstead out of an alfalfa field is that alfalfa never dies. It’s like mint that way.
We have bunches of volunteer alfalfa still popping up in odd places, so I took the lawnmower out, catching the shredded alfalfa and dumping that in their pen.
It was almost as good as the potato salad. Based on their snarfing sounds.
And it kept me mowing the place.
Then came a magical day when I realized the Bacons were growing.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I opened the gate to the pasture.
They started grazing the grass immediately. No more ramming the fence and no more escape.
Now they eat nonstop in the pasture now. All-day cafeteria.
They still scream when I approach, to signal that they are starving to death and potato salad is required.
I don’t believe them, but I do have a rough idea why they almost went extinct once.
by Kathy Brasby | Mar 17, 2022 | Stories
I just made progress on Cutting Through Despair: Dare to Hope! So far I’m 96% complete on the Writing phase. 12 Days remain until the deadline.
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by Kathy Brasby | Mar 11, 2021 | Family, Humor, Stories
The first time I saw the movie Jaws, I almost gave myself a concussion. Don’t read on if you don’t want spoiler alerts, but, come on, that movie came out in 1975. If you haven’t seen it, you deserve spoilers.
I was sitting in a cushy theater seat when the shark came up out of the water and nearly bit the camera. And me, it seemed like at the time. I jerked myself back in the seat and hit the knee of the guy behind me.
Because of that movie, I’ve always believed in shark attacks. I mean, I saw one up close and personal. Since I don’t live near the ocean, that movie was like a documentary on sharks for me.
So imagine my surprise when I heard a radio host recently reading statistics. According to him, more people die of cow attacks than shark attacks.
Apparently, more hippos kill humans than sharks. In second place are cows.
This was mildly disturbing to me since I live around cows. No hippos or sharks in sight but cows, well, right across the road from me.
Just to clarify, I am not afraid of cows. I grew up with them and, for the most part, they care more about eating grass than goring humans. Unlike sharks. Sharks don’t even eat grass. Just saying.
But I do remember an adventure my mother had when I was a teenager. Our family had a small cow/calf Angus herd. If you know anything about Angus, and you may not, they are sweet cattle until babies are born. Then they become slit-eyed, dripping-incisor Mama Bears. Red eyes, teeth bared, the works. You get the idea.
So Mom went into the corral one day with a stick to help chase the cows out to pasture. We did this often but this time, the mama cow lowered her head and charged at Mom. Her baby wasn’t even that young but apparently, Mom and her stick looked like a roaring mountain lion.
So the cow charged.
Mom slammed her stick down on the cow’s head. The cow hesitated and then lunged forward again. Mom began beating on the cow’s head over and over. The stick broke off a little each time she struck.
Mom was out of stick when the cow finally backed off and Mom went scooting over the fence.
We all learned after that to take something a lot more substantial into the corral. A pitchfork handle worked very well.
So cow attacks are a thing.
But after hearing the shark attack claims, I did a little more searching (here’s the article) and found out that here’s the attack order:
- Hippos
- Cows (they put horses in the same category although any self-respecting farm kid knows those aren’t the same thing at all.)
- Dogs
- Snails (They were stretching it on this one.)
- Ants
Sharks weren’t even on the list.
The radio host did speculate about chicken attacks but by then his credibility was shot. I had seen Jaws and I knew: shark attacks were a lot higher than chicken attacks.
by Kathy Brasby | Mar 4, 2021 | Family, Humor, Stories
I’m not usually big on joining new fads, but I succumbed on this one.
I’m talking about a floor-sweeping robot: those little disks that motor around your house, vacuuming and sweeping the floor when I don’t want to. Which is pretty much all the time.
So I got the little guy and found a safe place for him in our library. On his first outing, our grandsons were here. Talk about cheap entertainment. They lay on top our bed for an hour just watching him go back and forth vacuuming the floor.
I think the youngest may have offered him a cookie.
His controls are connected via app to my phone and so I was asked to name him. “How about R2D2?” I asked the boys.
“Um, what were those letters again?” the oldest said. They knew nothing of Star Wars movies. Talk about instant aging. Me, not him.
The first time around, the little robot was R2D2. Then he started having issues. One day I got a text while I was out and about: R2D2 couldn’t start his route because his dustbin was gone.
What? Fortunately my daughter was at the house so I asked her to check the dustbin. It was in place and she sent him on his way.
Then he wasn’t able to trek over the same edge of the rug that he’d managed the week before. All seven days of it. This time, it was a mountain too high. He sent another notification.
He was able to map out the rooms of our house, which I could then label. The idea was that I could send him just to the kitchen or the bedroom. Yeah, well, he lost the map. Then he found it. But now, as far as I can tell, that map is in Bogota.
He got caught in a bathroom, swiveling from the toilet to the door, circling endlessly. I picked him up and put him in the hallway so he could return to his dock. He kept circling. I am not sure but he may have discovered perpetual motion.
So I deleted the robot on my app and started anew, giving him a new name. Robot Boy.
Suddenly Robot Boy found the map of the house. Apparently after journeying to Bogota.
And then it was gone again.
I could schedule a time each day for him to begin his cleaning chores. For two weeks, he would do a run at 9 am and another at 12.
I assumed I had accidentally bumped the two-times-a-day switch so I did a little checking on his website. The company apologized but they don’t yet offer two-times-a-day scheduling.
Except on Robot Boy.
I didn’t report Robot Boy. Would you want him scolded by his own company? I can live with twice-a-day cleanings.
He does try hard. Even when he’s caught under a chair, he doesn’t give up. Only a dead battery will keep him from his appointed duties.
He doesn’t scratch, knock off lamps, or climb up curtains and he’s very loyal.
But I think his next name will be Confused.
by Kathy Brasby | Dec 24, 2020 | Family, Humor, Stories
This story is one of my favorites about a Christmas we shared with our family several years ago. I hope you enjoy it:
Many years ago, when most of the kids were still at home, we put together a Christmas plan one year: We’ll use the money for gifts to put together a ski trip, condo and all, for right after Christmas.
The kids bought into this with great gusto because they loved skiing. All went well until Christmas day when it was time to leave for the trip: their father felt a little guilty at the lack of gifts under the tree.
So he suggested a special outing on the way to the condo in the Colorado mountains. We pulled away from our house on the afternoon of Christmas, heading for some major snow.
“Let’s stop at that nice steak house on the interstate,” he said. He loves that eating spot to this day, even though it’s now closed. We’ve eaten at the new restaurant out of nostalgia for the old place.
But back to my story. We pulled in at the steak house after savoring tangy prime rib and steaming mashed potatoes in our imagination for an hour. They were closed. It was, after all, Christmas day.
Hmmm. We hadn’t thought of that, so we continued to the next town and pulled in, hoping the Chinese restaurant there might work well.
Closed.
We were starting to see a pattern. But we had five kids in the car, and the Christmas cookies were wearing off. They were restless.
“Let’s try a fast-food place.” My husband had set his heart on a special mealtime family gathering, but his stomach was growling, too.
All closed.
Grocery stores were closed. Walmart was closed.
Did we have anything to eat in the car? We started to take stock of any energy bars that might have been left in coat pockets. Any half-eaten cookies? I wondered about the crumbs under the toddler’s car seat. Starving kids makes one delirious sometimes.
Just then, my husband spotted a 7-Eleven convenience store. It was open.
We turned the kids loose. “Find something to eat.” We didn’t even add our usual “try to find something healthy.” Just quiet those growling stomachs somehow.
The kids grabbed chips and popcorn and gallons of fountain drinks. If you can’t have a ribeye, apparently a beef stick and trail mix work well, too.
Their parents have felt guilty for years for not having enough foresight to avoid such a disappointment. We wanted to give the kids a nice steak dinner. Their special dinner included candy bars, rubbery hard-boiled eggs, and who knows how many Twinkies.
But I have been assured by our older son not to worry.
“I got a fistful of dill pickles,” he said. “Best Christmas dinner ever!”