by Kathy Brasby | Oct 15, 2020 | Family, Humor, Stories
When it comes to communication, I am a pathetic representative of my generation. I’d rather send an email than stick a letter in the mail. I’d rather text than call.
I quit giving cards with gifts to the family because they opened the card long enough to read who the gift was from and then moved on to the gift.
If they want to know who gave the gift, I can do that easy enough. I use a Sharpie to write my name on the outside of the wrapper. 
But I keep a few cards in a box for emergencies. I have a few generic birthday cards and some thank you notes. I am not totally without class.
Today I pulled out a nice “I miss you and glad you wrote to update me” card. It was decorated with soft blues and linen surrounding a gentle photo of an orange and yellow flower arrangement. I was impressed with the beauty of this card and knew that it was perfect for my friend, who prefers letters to email and cards to texting.
Technically, she requires letters because she doesn’t have an email address. It’s amazing we’re still friends based on my communication skills.
I jotted a few lines to my friend, wrote her address on the card, and then finished up the project by sliding the card into the envelope.
I had a new problem. The card and envelope didn’t match. The card was too big. What in the world? The envelope was even the same creamy linen color as the card. They had to match. But, nope.
Now I had a card with a handwritten note. I hardly wrote anything by hand after I learned to type. Cursive is over-rated when you can grab a keyboard. I wasn’t willing to re-write that note.
I went searching for another envelope in my box. I found a graduation card for my niece who has now been teaching middle schoolers for 9 years. A high school graduation card.
I found a birthday card to my brother, signed, sealed, and never mailed. Oops.
The last time I went to a funeral with my sister, she brought a sympathy card for me. She knew. My card inventory is like a six-inch rain in the desert: a drop every six inches.
So I went back to my perfect card and tried again, hoping somehow that the envelope would stretch. Maybe over time, it had mellowed into a larger size. Nope. Wishful thinking is sometimes synonymous with foolish thinking.
Then I spotted my paper cutter. I slid the top of the card under the knife. Zip. Voila! Now it fit.
I hope I didn’t cut off my signature, but what are return addresses for, anyway?
So that card is now in an envelope and ready to go to the mailbox.
With my track record for mailing cards, I hope I can remember how to do that.
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by Kathy Brasby | Oct 1, 2020 | Country life, Family, Humor, Stories
The other day, I opened our upright freezer and watched the Abominable Snowman ski down the ice and into the bottom drawer.
Hmm, I thought, maybe it’s time to defrost.
Take pity on my family. Decry my lack of character. But I like defrosting a freezer as much I like trimming toenails on our dog. But, speaking of the dog, there was an idea.
Our dog is a friendly guy and he eats like a healthy teenage boy. I don’t need to just toss him a bone. I can toss him a sliced eggplant and he’d give it a try. Birthday cake, zucchini, sour cream – all snarfed up quickly.
He even drinks almond milk if it comes his way.
So Scout was intrigued by the carton of vanilla ice cream I managed to tug from the icy grip of the freezer.
To be honest, there was only about an inch of vanilla ice crystals in the bottom of the carton but Scout licked all the ice cream and then tore the carton to shreds.
So, for my project tally: one item out of the freezer and now lying like confetti in the backyard. Score. I think. The jury may still be out on that.
I found five ice cube trays filled with egg whites and yolks. One year, when I had too many eggs, I thought this would be a good way to save excess eggs. Maybe it was but it would have been better to take the egg cubes out of the trays after they froze.
I mean immediately because when I did take them out of the trays the other day, they were powdered eggs. Surprisingly, Scout didn’t care much for them.
I rescued some frozen cookies. They weren’t too bad and, besides, is there really a bad home-baked cookie? They got eaten – and not by Scout. I have young men around and they still remember the pleasure of teenage eating patterns.
I found a quarter of a bag of Brussel sprouts encased in ice. When did I buy those? I can’t think of one recipe I use that calls for Brussel sprouts and I don’t think anybody in the family will touch them.
You’re thinking that Scout might but I didn’t give them to Scout. I have chickens for things like that. This may explain how Scout sometimes gives them the evil eye when he wanders past their run. They got a treat he missed out on.
I also uncovered a bag of sausages. Or hot dogs. Or aged cucumbers. I was not really sure so I left them for further review. Later. And I stepped away slowly.
There were shelves of question-mark bags that will need review. They seem to fall into the category of “Why on earth did I save that?”
But, in watching Scout’s joy as he pulverizes a carton of frozen bone broth, maybe I have my answer.
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by Kathy Brasby | Sep 17, 2020 | Country life, Family, Humor
In the spring, when the world ran out of toilet paper and gallons of milk were rationed, I naturally decided this was the year to plant a garden.
I’ve planted gardens before but I avoid them because of a character defect: I hate to pull the weeds in the garden.
But this year, I vowed, would be different. That is my usual garden spring vow but let’s not go there. It had been years since I planted a garden and I figured I had matured a bit.
My dear husband had a better idea. Why didn’t I use raised garden plots so I didn’t have to get down on my knees to weed? And he happened to have some plastic 55-gallon barrels that we could cut in half, drill holes in the bottom for drainage, and have the garden we’d always dreamt of.
You know, low maintenance and high produce.
We put in compost and fertilizer and top soil and then planted. Tomatoes. Peppers. Acorn squash. Pumpkin.Onions. Zucchini.
The plants started to grow with great gusto. I watered, I weeded, they grew. Reasonable partnership, I thought.
And then I noticed the tomato plant leaves were starting to curl. What in the world? I checked. The ground was moist. There were NO WEEDS in the pot.
Soon the other tomato plants began to wither. The green pepper plants lost their leaves and the pumpkin greenery sprawled on the ground like a sloth.
The zucchini vine threw out a single squash and then breathed its last. One tomato plant produced three tomatoes but had no leaves left. Once the tomatoes were plucked from its twiggy trunk, it went into hibernation. That’s commitment to your offspring, I’d say.
The jalapeño plant looked great, however, and there hung several fiery-red peppers about an inch long. I could almost hear them snarl when I removed them from the plant. If bugs were the issue, as I was starting to suspect, they apparently had no taste for feisty jalapeños.
So, from my grand garden plans, I harvested 3 pink tomatoes, one zucchini squash, and 12 microscopic but muscular jalapeño peppers.
At this point, my garden resembles a bomb site with green sticks standing askew in the barrels.
There’s good news and bad news to this story. The good news is that I don’t have to can or freeze or dry any produce. The bad news….
Well, as my daughter said, “Mother, you managed to kill a zucchini?”
But there were no weeds in its pot, so I guess it’s all good news.
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by Kathy Brasby | Feb 17, 2020 | Family, Humor, Stories
Have you ever wondered why so many famous chefs are male? Me, too. I should have some insights because I have sons.
Let me explain.
Back in the day, pushing the beaters into my mixer was guaranteed to bring at least one family member into the kitchen. A lot like the cat when I pop the top of the can of food: focused. She can bring blood on her way to the food dish. The cat, I mean.
So I popped in the mixer beaters, and my four-year-old son appeared at my elbow. No blood. Yet.
“Let’s make shape cookies,” he said, pushing a chair to the counter.
The process of making shape cookies cutters was more complex. But this was a teaching moment for my young chef. I was proud he wanted me to teach him. Well, I was going to teach him whether he liked it or not.
We mixed our cookie dough.
“Now, we start with a ball, like this.” I scooped a handful of dough from the bowl and rolled it in my palms.
He watched intently, his nose drawing closer and closer to my hands. He was a good student, obviously impressed with my culinary skills.
“Then I put the ball on the counter,” I said.
I set the pale ball of dough lightly on the flour I had sprinkled out. The sweet scent of cookie dough filled the air. “We use a rolling pin to flatten the dough.”
He didn’t take his eyes off the ball of dough. I flattened the lump into a thin flat pancake and let him press the cookie cutters into it.
He selected a star. “That one looks like an explosion.” An explosion?
He was so creative. Did chefs frequently work explosions into their creations? Maybe that was how creme brûlée came into existence? To have an excuse to use a torch? A precursor to an explosion?
“I’ll do it this time,” he told me after the first batch was transferred to cookie sheets.
I took that to indicate the success of my teaching skills. He was ready for his first baby step as a chef. I was so proud.
He clutched a handful of dough from the bowl and squeezed it hard. Like a muscle man grasping a handgrip.
“Well, you might not…“ I started to coach him, but I was too late.
He slapped the crushed dough onto the counter and began pounding it with the side of his fist. Thud! Thud! A punching ball endured fewer strikes than that ball of dough. The mixture finally surrendered into an uneven flat lump of defeated cookie dough.
For me, baking cookies is about the aroma and flavor.
For my would-be chef, it was more about hand-to-hand combat.
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by Kathy Brasby | Feb 10, 2020 | Family, Humor, Stories
If I know you and you drop by at mealtime, you’ll get an invitation to sit and eat with us. I really do mean it, but you might want to give it some thought before you jump in.
Or ask my nephew because he got to see my work first hand.
I had the best of intentions. And you know how those can go.
My nephew was a tall, strapping young man with a healthy appetite. I had prepared the meal for our family plus my nephew but decided we might be a tad bit short of food. I’d hate for him to pass out from lack of food before the next meal.
So I scoured the pantry for a can of something to add to the meal at the last minute.
I spied the can of grass jelly.
I had acquired this can from an oriental specialty market in Denver as part of a class project the year before. We had been assigned to purchase new cultural items and peruse unique foods.
We got to see live squid squirming in a glass aquarium at the back of the store. A large aquarium held goldfish (well, they looked like goldfish) that could be netted and bagged for the next meal.
We saw cans of exotic peppers and bags of noodles with unpronounceable names.
And cans of grass jelly.
My can ended up in the pantry. I mean, could you throw away a can of grass jelly when you never knew when you’d need it? Or what it was, for that matter.
Yeah, well, I hung onto it anyway.
Not knowing what I’d find inside, I pried off the lid. If it squirmed, I was dumping it. But inside was dark gelatinous material which reminded me of cranberry sauce in the can.
So I tipped the can and let the cylinder of jelly slide onto the plate. I sliced it like cranberry sauce and served it with the rest of the meal. This was not how to serve grass jelly but what did I know?
The plate with slices of grass jelly went around the table a couple of times, like I was trying to serve grass clippings rather than grass jelly.
“Be daring! Try it,” I said. This was before I tried it, but I always encourage bold action. Especially if I was safe.
My nephew twisted his mouth to one side.
“What is grass jelly?” he said.
“I don’t know. But it is food,” I assured him. Some kind of jelly seemed safe.
He nibbled the chunk on his fork. “Food?” He stopped eating. Teenage boys can label a styrofoam cup as food, so his question seemed odd. “This tastes like it was made out of motor oil.”
Everyone dumped their helping of grass jelly back on the serving plate. And that was the end of the grass jelly experiment.
Except my nephew won’t come to a meal at my house without checking my pantry.
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by Kathy Brasby | Jan 27, 2020 | Country life, Family, Humor, Stories
The hill outside our house was a quarter-mile long, declining at a 45-degree angle. What would you do if you were 14 and had a bike? And a hill?
We lived beside a gravel road with the next neighbor a mile away. Our house was at the top of the hill. This hill could have been a major obstacle to youth with bikes.
Caution?
Caution was not such a buzz killer in those days. Before drifting cars was a thing, I was drifting on my bike.
Bikes for our family were always lean and mean. Dad picked them up at farm sales, and I, being the oldest, always got the latest find. My old bike then passed down to my brother, and so on down the line.
My favorite bike was a stripped-down black boys bike with no fenders, one speed, and coaster brakes.
Exactly what I needed.
My sister, Ann, was six at this time. The right age to join me. Not too big to mess with my balance and not so small that she’d get hurt too much if my plan didn’t work out.
I Had A Plan
Of course I had a plan. I would set Ann on the crossbar of my bike, and off we’d go. No helmets, no seat belts, no common sense.
Ann needed a little training before we took on the big hill. She had a way of panicking and twisting the handlebars. That interfered with good drifting.
I taught her many things in those days, so this was just part of the deal for an older sister. My job was to expand her horizons. Teach her to overcome.
She caught onto her bike responsibilities after a while: no panicking allowed. Trust me, I told her. When in life are you more confident in your skills than at 14?
We practiced
We practiced for several days before we tackled the hill. She was like a little monkey attached to the handlebars, her legs wrapped around the crossbar. She was a good learner. Obviously, I was a great teacher, too.
When she was ready, and not before, we scheduled our first outing. I wasn’t irresponsible.
We rolled my stripped-down black bike out onto the gravel road and she climbed onto the bar.
The Big Day
I powered the bike down the hill. Our speed increased until the fields on either side of the road were a blur of green. The summer air rushed past my face and bits of her hair blew into my teeth.
We got to the bottom of the hill, and then I stomped on the coaster brake and twisted the handlebars.
The rear wheel of the bike slid around the front and then, gravel spraying as the bike shifted direction, we were facing uphill. My sister the monkey had clung to the bike frame perfectly.
We cycled back up the hill and tried it again. It turned into a pretty exciting summer of bicycle drifting.
For the record, we both survived.
And, for the record, I’d never let our grandkids pull a stunt like that.
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